Where I Play And Do?

And so my self-analysis continues and as promised, blogging continues.

I bring this post to you from the comfort of my old laptop. My old laptop isn’t actually that old, I’ve no idea when I bought it, it may even have been as recently as spring 2010, it became my old laptop today upon the purchase of a new laptop.

The new laptop was a spontaneous purchase; I had been ruminating for a short time about purchasing a new laptop in order that everyone in the house could have their own. Again this morning I had to listen to the 6 year old sob as the 14 year old rose form her bed and reclaimed her laptop from his hands. The 6 year old joined me in bed and requested some time on my laptop; I put him off until I’d “checked just one more thing” several times. I’m not sure why I don’t like others using my laptop, I suspect by the time I get to the end of this post I may have a clearer idea- but I know I don’t like it. I decided in that moment that the solution was to buy myself a new laptop, give my old laptop to the 14 year old and give the 14 year olds laptop to the 6 year old.

I set out on my mission to PC World, I had a vague idea of budget and an even vaguer idea of desired specification for the new laptop. Faced with an array of shiny new laptops in PC World, I discovered I could do only one thing to choose between them- write. On several laptops in PC World, Kingsway Retail Park Dundee today there was a WordPad document that read simply-

“do you like this keyboard?”

I had no idea when I set out on my mission that the one deciding factor for the new laptop would be how it felt. Feelings do not come naturally to me.

I adore gadgets and shiny things in general but today I was not seduced by high-end specifications I was looking for something much more. I didn’t find it. None of the laptops I tried today felt right, I picked the one that felt the least wrong, purchased it and took it home. There followed an afternoon of file moving, browser downloading, account synchronising, log-in detail forgetting, tea drinking, tweeting, housework ignoring and parenting. By dinner time everyone in the house had their own laptop. The 6 year old was delighted and we spent an evening together at the kitchen table- me doing my thing and him doing his. I admired his Bin Weevils nest, we watched a trailer for the new (frankly dreadful looking) Horrid Henry movie together on YouTube, we surfed, read, played, tweeted, emailed and chatted. The evening was so pleasant that it was well after bedtime before the 6 year old finally made it to bed.

When the 6 year old was in bed and the 14 year old safely home from her trip to the cinema- with a boy, I settled down, as is usual these days, at the kitchen table for the evening. I still can’t stand the omnipresent TV so I avoid the living room, I am trying to do the mentally healthy thing and stay out of bed unless I am “sleeping” in it so I have annexed the kitchen. Our kitchen is now home to my paper, pens, crayons, notebooks, post-its and of course my laptop- tonight, my new laptop. I did the things I usually do, read emails, re-read some things I’d written, tweeted, read some blogs, read some articles and checked the news and weather.  By 10pm I had identified some tangible problems with the new laptop- namely that the space bar was insensitive and the keys didn’t sound right.

I love the sound of typing, I love the way I feel when I can hear myself typing, I’m not sure what that feeling is- I’ve likened it in the past to feeling efficient but it is so much more than that. I adore the way my thoughts and ideas are transported to my fingertips (two of which are still numb as a result of illustrating the Lunatics Lexicon) there is a freedom for me in the air  between fingers and keyboard that I never seem to achieve between heart and mouth. The keyboard on the new laptop didn’t make me feel any of those things and the continued failure of the spacebar to respond to my touch made me feel very inefficient indeed.

I didn’t dislike the new laptop, specification wise it was much the same as the old laptop and once all my “things” were installed it looked much like the old laptop too. It just didn’t feel right.

I don’t like change and I am inclined to avoid it wherever possible, I have several identical items of clothing, have used the same shampoo, deodorant and toothpaste for years, I don’t smell like myself if I am not wearing the same perfume I have worn for years, I eat the same foods repeatedly, I purport to be fiercely brand-loyal but the truth is I just know what I like and like what I know. It should’ve come as no surprise to me really that I wasn’t comfortable with the new laptop.

I attempted to tough it out, to challenge myself and my fear of change but as I stood smoking in the garden watching our resident hedgehog I realised that I was feeling very sentimental about my old laptop. My old laptop has been there for me throughout my journey, it was where I sent and received all those emails, where I viewed all those photos, where I had all those conversations and of course where I created one of the best blogs on the internet.

My back was aching from a day spent sitting on a kitchen stool (we live in the smallest house in the world- furniture must have storage incorporated or it must be stackable), so I retired to my favourite place- bed, taking the new laptop with me. I had decided that the litmus test for the new laptop was going to be blogging, I knew what I wanted to write- it was this post or something largely similar and I settled down to write it.

The words came easily but they didn’t sound right, I wrote and deleted, wrote and deleted over and over again- on the old laptop I write and I write, I correct as I go along, I re-read then I publish. After writing for a while I decided to get my old laptop back.

There followed another period of configuration and I settled down to write this post.

I have thought about today’s events in my usual all or nothing way- I was “pathetic”  for pining for my old laptop then I was right and justified to have formed an attachment to it after all we’d been through together. I was hoping by this point, 1173 words in that I would be a little clearer as to what I was really feeling that I had chosen to project onto an HP Pavillion Dv6, I’m not sure I am.

Perhaps it was just one transition too far given the recent, significant changes in my life?

I suspect Winnicott would have had many theories on my experience today and I note that the one key on my very well used keyboard that is worn so much the letter is almost invisible is “I”.