I have a query… a HUGE one

The other day I did something I had never done before. Cue dramatic music. I wrote my first query letter. I say wrote instead of “sent it out” because it’s still on my hard drive, still a measely word document that I’m scared of unleashing to the big bad world of “boogey man” agents and producers that can kill my dreams in a heartbeat.

Why am I scared?  I’ll tell you why I’m scared. After hours of extensive and intensive research, scribbling then crossing stuff out, I rustled up this bad boy in a good 5 minutes and you know how I did it?

It wasn’t by doing everything those experts said to the letter. It was by coming up with my own advice, hence why I’m scared.

But you’ll soon understand why I did what I did and I’ll take the liberty of sharing my advice to the world, or should I say the people who read my blog, my sisters and my boyfriend *clears throat*.

So, moving right along, if you’re anything like me or want to understand how my crazy little mind operates, I suggest you follow my advice right down to the tittle … on seconds thoughts maybe you shouldn’t.

So here goes:

Writing Your Query Letter

Lesson 1 – Tackling your Synopsis

Doubt you'll find my lesson in this!

On a hot and sticky summers evening, sit in front of the computer for hours. After a while, get a loved one to help, in my case my lovely boyfriend. As the hours drag on (believe me they will), you WILL get stressed out by any and everything guaranteed. Nothing will go right, everything will go wrong and you will stare at the computer questioning why you ever took up this screenwriting lark in the first place.

Now the next part is really tricky. You will need NASA precision timing on this and I’ll tell you why. You will need to determine your “MBUC” (Moment Before U Crack) otherwise it will all go downhill from here.

Now you have to be really careful about this moment as it will definitely sneak up on you. Everyone is different and the only way I was able to detect my own MBUC is when I licked my lips and began to open my mouth to scream the words “FOR F**CKS SAKE!”.

You see, just BEFORE that moment. So if you’re anything like me, at the licking of the lips stage, you must, must, must remove yourself from the situation.

That’s what you gotta do guys, extract the bomb just as it’s about to go off. Snip that red wire.

OK. So, as you’re evacuating the premises or if it’s easier, just the room, don’t forget your trusty laptop or whatever electronic device you use to tap out your creative gems. When you get to your “shelter” familiarise yourself with your trusty pen and clipboard. Yes I have a clipboard, it makes me feel important. Anyway it’s not an essential part of the process, in any case a slither of paper is just as good but you’ll look and probably feel inferior, believe me.

Then you get writing. Put your pedal to the metal and scribble away and continue to do so until you’re angry, fuming, annoyed, pissed off, tired, all of that. From personal experience it took me a hot minute and I mean that in every sense of the word. Before you know it, you’ll have something that will finally pass as some kind of synopsis. And then you tweak but with haste.

And I couldn’t be more serious about the last part. You gotta transfer that bad boy whilst it’s still legible and in my situation I had a good 4 mins…on second thoughts, I had a good 3 mins 27.

When you’re done with all the tweaking and finishing touches, you’ll have something that will make you SMILE. You know the kind of smile I’m talking about, it’s the smile of the “accomplished writer”, the smile that made you want to write in the first place.

The smile, just before the even goofier smile when you get your first check for something you’ve created, where you sit back in your chair and smile like a wanker at the computer screen.

The one you envisioned yourself having just as you write “FADE TO BLACK” on your Oscar winning script. Yes, THAT smile.

Exactly that, with the "hands behind the head and feet up on the desk" pose…minus the hot pants…maybe.

That one.

So, instead of wasting hours, days, weeks and months writing your query letter, just follow my very simple tip: GET PISSED OFF and everything else will fall into place after that.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t really know if my letter is “industry standard” but it’s bound to be someone’s bloody standard dammit! Anyway, we shall soon find out…when I send it out that is! *clears throat, looks sheepish*

BAAAAAA!